Reader's Digest
● So Obvious, Mum
My two-year-old daughter attends daycare
with a set of identical twins. When I asked her how she could tell them apart,
she proudly told me, “They have different names.” (RD2012, December, p. 57)
媽，這太簡單了
我的兩歲女兒上幼稚園，班上有一對雙胞胎。我問她怎麼分辨這對雙胞胎誰是誰，她很得意地說：「他們名字不一樣啊。」 (RD2012,12月號, 57頁)
● Process of Elimination
As we entered our local shopping center
recently, my young daughter pointed out and explained to me each of the symbols
on the sliding glass doors. “No dogs, no skateboards, no bicycles, no scooters,
no rollerblades,” she said. Then, after a pause: “Well, I guess that means we’re
allowed to smoke then.” (RD2012,
December, p. 56)
消去法
最近當我們走進附近的購物中心時，我妹妹指著自動玻璃門上的一些標誌向我說明：「狗不准進入；滑板不准進入；腳踏車不准進入；腳推車不准進入；直排輪不准進入」。她頓了一下，然後又說：「嗯，我想那意思是這裡可以抽菸。」
(RD2012,12月號, 56頁)
● Savvy Salesman
An old man at the end of a jetty is selling
seagulls - $2.50 for one, or three for five bucks. A curious tourist goes up to
him and says, “I’ll take one, please,” and hands over his money. The old man
pockets the money, points to the sky and says, “See that one there? That’s your
one.” (RD2012, December, p. 82)
奸商
有一個老頭子在防波堤的一端賣海鷗，一隻賣兩塊半，三隻賣五塊錢。一個好奇的觀光客靠近他，說：「我要買一隻」，然後把錢交給他。老頭子把錢放入口袋裡，指著天空說：「看到那邊那一隻嗎？牠是你的了。」 (RD2012,12月號, 82頁)
● Say “Aaargh!”
As a young emergency department doctor, I
often had medical students asking me for advice. One day a couple of them,
suspecting they had the flu, asked to have their temperatures taken. I grabbed
a pair of thermometers from two jars of disinfectant on the shelf. The students
popped them in their mouths, and were relieved to find that their temperatures
were perfectly normal. Unfortunately, when I replaced the thermometers, I
noticed that one jar was labeled “oral” and the other was labeled “rectal”. (RD2012, December, p. 99)
說「啊…！」
我是一個急診室醫生，因為年輕，所以來實習的醫學院學生經常找我幫忙。有一天，兩個學生懷疑他們自己感冒了，要我幫他們量體溫。我隨手從架上兩個盛著消毒水的罐子裡拿出兩個溫度計給他們。他們馬上將溫度計塞進嘴裡，結果還好，兩人的體溫完全正常。但糟糕的是，當我把溫度計放回罐子裡時，赫然發現其中一個罐子標示著「口腔用」，另一個罐子標示著「肛門用」。 (RD2012,12月號, 99頁)
● Field of Dreams
A man is driving down a country road when
he sees a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field. He pulls the car over
to the side of the road and watches the farmer just standing there, doing
nothing, looking at nothing. Intrigued, the man gets out of the car, walks to
the farmer and asks, “What are you doing, mister?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a
Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to
people who are out standing in their field.”
(RD2012, November, p. 112)
亂做春夢
有一個人開車經過一條鄉間道路時，看到一個農夫站在一片廣大的田地中央。他把車停在路旁，只見那個農夫只是呆站在那裏，一動也不動。納悶之下，他下車走近農夫問道：「老兄，你在做什麼啊？」
農夫回答說：「我想要得諾貝爾獎。」
這個人被搞糊塗了，問道：「你這樣怎麼得獎啊？」
「這個嘛，我聽說諾貝爾獎是頒給『出去站在自己田裡(out standing in their field)的人』啊。」
【譯註】顯然農夫把「在某領域裡傑出(outstanding)的人」曲解成「出去站在 (out
standing)田裡的人」了。
● Oldie But A Goodie
A man storms into his manager’s office and
demands a raise. “And just so you know,” he blusters, “three other companies
are after me!”
“Is that so?” the manager says, “Which
companies in particular?”
“The electricity company, the telephone
company and the gas company.” (RD2012,
November, p. 112)
老套啦！
有一個人闖進經理的辦公室要求加薪；他大聲咆哮說：「我告訴你，另外有三個公司都在找我喔！」
經理說：「說說看是哪三家公司。」
「電力公司、電信公司、還有瓦斯公司。」 (RD2012,11月號, 112頁)
● Universal Remote
While babysitting my 18-month-old grandson
on a recent rainy day, I got out the ukulele. I was singing away happily when
my grandson reached for the remote, pointed it at me and tried to turn me
off. (RD2012, November, p. 57)
萬用遙控器
在最近的一個雨天，我正在照顧我那18個月大的孫子。我拿出一把夏威夷吉他，開始開懷地、忘我地唱起歌來。我的孫子竟然拿起遙控器對準我，按著按鈕想要把我「關掉」。 (RD2012,11月號, 57頁)
● Stoner Talk
In a documentary my sister and I were
watching about the Stone Age, two cavemen began rubbing sticks together to
re-enact the invention of fire.
My sister turned to me and, with a
completely serious face, asked, “Do you think this is real footage?” (RD2012, November, p. 57)
無厘頭
我和我妹妹正在看一部敘述石器時代的紀錄片，片中兩個穴居人一起在做鑽木取火的動作。我妹妹轉頭向著我，一臉正經地問我說：「你想這是不是在石器時代現場錄製的片子？」 (RD2012,11月號, 57頁)
● The Game They Play in
Heaven
Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Nicholas,
have been friends all their lives. When it’s clear that Nicholas is dying, Mike
visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Nicholas, we both loved rugby and
played together for so many years. Please do me one favor: when you get to
heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s rugby there.” Nicholas agrees,
then shortly after, he passes away.
A few nights later, Mike is awakened from a
sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out, “Mike –
it’s me, Nicholas.”
“Nicholas!” exclaims Mike. “Where are you?”
“I’m in heaven. I have some really good
news, and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news is that there is rugby in
heaven. Better yet, all our old friends are here, we’re all young again, it’s
always springtime, it never rains and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic!” says Mike. “So what’s
the bad news?”
“You’re rostered on for Saturday.” (RD2012, November, p. 110)
天堂裡也有球可玩
麥可和尼古拉都是90歲的老人，也是一輩子的老朋友。當尼古拉顯然來日無多時，麥可每天都去看他。有一天麥可說：「尼古拉，長久以來咱們倆都喜歡打橄欖球，請你幫我一件事：你到了天堂以後，無論如何要讓我知道天堂裡是否有橄欖球可打。」尼古拉點頭答應；不久，他就走了。
過了幾個晚上，麥可在沉睡中被一道耀眼的白光驚醒，同時有一個聲音傳來：「麥可——是我，尼古拉。」
麥可大叫：「尼古拉！你在哪裡？」
「我在天堂裡。我有一個大大的好消息和一個小小的壞消息要告訴你。」
麥可說：「先告訴我好消息吧。」
「好消息是天堂裡真的有橄欖球可以打。更妙的是，我們所有昔日的哥兒們都在這裡，大家都恢復年輕時的模樣；這裡每天都像春天，從來不下雨，整天打球也都不會累。」
麥可說：「太棒了！。那麼，壞消息呢？」
「這個禮拜六的出賽名單上有你的名字。」
(RD2012,11月號, 110頁)
● Antibiotic Crackdown
Overuse and misuse of antibiotics mean
bacterial infections once easily cured are becoming harder to treat. The World
Health Organization considers antibiotic resistance one of the biggest threats
we face. Left unchecked, experts believe we could return to the pre-antibiotic
era of life-threatening infections. Patients are twice as likely to carry
resistant bacteria after a course of antibiotics. “People who carry these
resistant strains may find that antibiotics are less effective when they are
needed to treat severe infections in the future,” say experts. Resistant
strains of bacteria can also spread to other people. (RD2012, November, p. 11)
抗生素失效
抗生素濫用和誤用的結果，會使以往容易治癒的疾病變得更難以醫治。世界衛生組織(WHO)認為，細菌對抗生素的抗藥性是人類將面對的最大威脅之一；如果袖手不管，專家們相信我們可能會倒退回到抗生素之前的時代，生命受到許多疾病的威脅。病人每經過一次抗生素的療程，其攜帶抗藥性細菌的機率就會加倍。專家說：「帶有這些抗藥性菌種的人可能會發現，將來他們需要用抗生素來治療嚴重的疾病時，效果會越來越差。」而且，有抗藥性的菌種可能會傳染給別人。 (RD2012,11月號, 11頁)
● Love Is Blind
I’ve been told that when you meet the right
person, you know immediately. How come when you meet the wrong person it takes
a year and a half? (RD2012, November,
p. 112)
愛是盲目的
一直有人告訴我說，當你遇到你的真命天子時，當下就知道了。那為甚麼當你遇人不淑時，要花一年半載才知道呢？ (RD2012,11月號, 112頁)
● Word Journey
These days, “pundit” usually refers to
sports pundits – Howard Cosell, Phil Liggett, Steve McMahon – but, in fact, it
has ancient, non-sporting origins.
The word comes
from the Hindi pandit – “learned” or “skilled”
– and was used in a strictly Indian context to mean a highly educated Hindu.
In the early days
of British rule, it referred to an Indian law officer or land surveyor. But as
the 19th century wore on, pundit started to be used in a more general way to
mean “expert” – notably on etiquette, politics and, yes, sport. (RD2012, November, p. 144)
字源之旅
近來，「pundit」這個字通常指運動界的智者，如寇歇爾(美國知名運動記者)、李傑(英國知名運動評論家)、麥馬洪(英國足球明星)等；其實，此字源遠流長，而且當初跟運動沒有關係。
這個字來自印度文「pandit」，意思是「智者」或「能者」，而且在印度文裡有嚴格的用法限制，僅指受過高等教育的印度人。
早前英國統治印度期間，這個字則指印度的法律官員或土地測量官。但到了19世紀，pundit開始被賦予較寬鬆的意義，泛指一般的專家——尤指禮俗、政治、及運動方面的專家。 (RD2012,11月號, 144頁)
● Oh Brother!
Brothers
don’t necessarily have to say anything to each
other – they can sit in a room and be together and just be completely
comfortable with each other.
The
highlight of my childhood was making my brother
laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.
If
you want to know how your girl will treat you after
marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother. (RD2012, Oct., p.121)
兄弟一場
兄弟之間無言勝有言；他們可以成天共處一室不發一語，也不覺得尷尬。
記得我小時候最棒的事情，是逗我老哥大笑，笑到食物從鼻孔裡跑出來。
如果你想知道你的女朋友在婚後會如何對待你，看她如何吆喝弟弟便知。
(RD2012, 10月號, 121頁)
● Cutting Corners
A man accompanied by a small boy enters a
barbershop and asks for a haircut. When the barber finishes, the man says, “I
might just pop next door for a beer while you cut the kid’s hair.”
The barber gives the boy a haircut, and
then – after waiting quite some time for the man to return – turns to the kid
and asks, “Where on earth has your father gone to?”
“That’s not my father,” says the boy. “He’s
just some guy who stopped me in the street and asked if I’d like a free
haircut.” (RD2012, Oct., p.112)
省錢妙法
有一個帶著小男孩的人進到一家理髮店說要理髮。當理髮師理完髮，那人說：「趁你幫這小鬼理髮時，我暫時到隔壁去喝罐啤酒。」
理髮師幫小孩理完髮，然後等了好一陣子，卻不見那人回來，就問小孩說：「你爸爸到底去哪裡了？」
小孩說：「那不是我爸爸啦！只是剛才他在街上攔住我，問我說要不要去免費理髮。」
(RD2012, 10月號, 112頁)
● Myths Busted (III)
1.
The seventh wave is biggest. It’s
something that’s often repeated, and as a child I believed it – even before
reading Papillon. You’ll recall that
Papillon, the French convict Henri Charrière, swore that the one way to escape
the notorious Devil’s Island off the coast of French
Guiana - and specifically its sharks – was to be carried off by
that seventh wave. I went there myself, and waited and waited. Many came, but
the seventh waves were on average no stronger than the fifth or sixth. In all
my travels since, I’ve watched ocean shores, waiting in vain for that great
seventh wave . . .
2.
Chameleons change color for protection.
While many chameleons do change color, this is often less to do with camouflage
and more to do with their mood and temperature. A chameleon might, if too cold,
turn a darker shade to absorb more heat. Or it might turn a lighter color to
reflect the sun and so cool down. Moreover, chameleons often change skin color
as a signaling device – some, such as the panther chameleon, transform into a
vivid orange to scare off predators, while others flash bright colors to
attract a mate. The brighter the color a male is able to display, the more
dominant. Equally, he might show his submission with a dull tone, and a female
might reject undesired courtiers by warding them off with her own skin signals.
Thus the act of standing out can be more important than that of blending in.
But, as I’ve often found on my travels, the truth is just as interesting as the
myth. (RD2012, Oct., p.64-65)
破解流言(下)
3.
第七波最強大。這個流言經常有人提起，我小時候也對它深信不疑——即使當時我還沒讀過《蝴蝶》這本小說。你記得這本小說的主人翁，綽號「蝴蝶」的法國罪犯夏里耶發誓說，從位於法屬圭亞那外海的惡名昭彰的惡魔島逃出(尤其要逃過鯊魚群)的唯一方法，就是要乘著第七波的浪頭。我曾經親身到過那個地方，等了又等；許多波浪不斷湧來，但平均而言，第七個波並沒有比第五個或第六個浪更強。之後，我到處旅行，觀察各地海岸，但從未看到傳說中的強大的第七波。
4.
變色龍變色是保護作用。的確，許多變色龍會改變顏色，但這跟偽裝沒太大關係，而是跟心情和溫度有關。天氣冷的時候，變色龍會把皮膚顏色變暗，以便吸收更多的熱。有時牠們會將顏色變淡，以便反射陽光使自己涼爽。另外，變色龍經常以改變顏色來傳達某些訊息；例如「豹變色龍」經常變成鮮豔的橘色來嚇退掠食者，有的變色龍則以閃爍的鮮豔色彩來吸引異性。雄性變色龍顯示的顏色越鮮豔，表示牠越「行」。同樣地，牠也會以暗淡的色調來表示退讓；而雌性變色龍也會用特定的體色來拒絕牠不想接受的對象。也就是說，變色龍的顏色主要是用來凸顯自己，而不是當保護色用。話又說回來，就我全球走透透所見所聞，真相永遠跟流言一樣有趣。 (RD2012, 10月號, 64-65頁)
● Myths Busted (II)
1.
Big Bad Wolves. This one must date from
our distant past, when the wolf was an arch-rival, preying on our nomadic
herds, and a threat to our existence. But examine the scientific literature and
there are only one or two substantiated attacks on humans – and even then you’ll
find it’s not certain who was to blame. On the contrary, wolves have learned to
survive by avoiding man. I discovered this when I visited a wolf researcher in Poland
2.
Deadly Piranhas. I’ve swum with them; I’ve
even gutted fish among them, initiating a feeding frenzy. But in all my jungle
years I’ve never been bitten by a piranha, nor heard of a single victim. There’s
no doubt about their appetite or the sharpness of their teeth, but ask the
South Americans and they’ll tell you piranhas are a menace only sometimes in
the dry season, when cut off in pools and starved. That’s not to say they don’t
inflict injury – you might lose a finger or toe when you fish for them and they
flop about in your canoe. But I suspect more people die choking on piranha than
are ever eaten themselves: they are spectacularly bony. (RD2012, Oct., p.63-64)
破解流言(中)
1.
大惡狼。這個流言從遠古時代就有了；那時候狼是人類的大敵，專門捕食人類放牧的牲畜，危害人類的生存。但檢視科學文獻發現，歷來只有一兩 件狼攻擊人類的案例；而且你會發現，誰是誰非還很難講。相反地，狼早就知道避開人類以求自保。這一點我在拜訪波蘭的一位狼的研究者時發現的：他已經研究一群狼三年之久，卻從未跟牠們照過面。歐洲或其他地區的狼確實會攻擊家畜——我親眼看到附近的波蘭牧羊犬都穿上鎧甲，隨時準備戰鬥。但事實上，唯一靠近人類的狼就是狗，牠們老早就學會馴服，並幫人類做事。
2.
食人魚會食人。我曾經跟食人魚群一起游泳；我也曾經在食人魚群中將魚開腸剖肚，引起一場瘋狂的搶食。但在我多年的叢林生活當中，從未被食人魚咬過，也沒聽過有任何一人被咬。牠門胃口奇大，牙齒尖銳，這是事實；但問問南美洲的人就知道，只有在乾旱季節牠們才對人類造成威脅，因為這時牠們被困在一個個小水坑裡，餓壞了。我並不是說牠們平時不會咬人，當你捕獲食人魚而任憑牠們在小獨木舟裡活蹦亂跳，你可能會被咬斷一根手指頭或腳趾頭。我一直很懷疑，究竟是吃食人魚被魚骨(牠們的骨頭特別多)噎死的人比較多，還是被食人魚吃掉的人比較多。 (RD2012, 10月號, 63-64頁)
● Myths Busted (I)
1.
Polar bears cover their noses when stalking prey. It might seem like a sensible ploy – they have black, giveaway
noses, after all. But there’s no substance to this claim – or to another myth,
that they’re left-handed. These highly proficient hunters do rise up, however,
waving both paws when exited. It’s this, perhaps, that has encouraged tales among
travelers and Eskimos alike of their cunning – including that they fashion ice
walls to hide behind.
2.
Igloos. Shelters made out of snow are
indeed constructed and fashioned from snowy bricks, just as we like to imagine.
Except the Eskimo-Inuit rarely lived in them for long periods and,
disappointingly, the elders that I met had never heard of them. In truth, these
are coastal peoples who traditionally foraged for driftwood, whale-bones,
stones and turf to construct their camps, saving snow-houses for hunting
excursions or migrations. (RD2012,
Oct., p.62)
破解流言(上)
1.
北極熊在潛近獵物時會摀著鼻子。對北極熊來說，這似乎是個合理的策略——畢竟，牠們有著又大又黑的鼻子，容易被獵物發現。但這種說法毫無根據；就如同說北極熊都是左撇子的流言一般毫無根據。不過，這種高效率的獵食動物被激怒時會用雙足站起來揮舞雙掌，倒是確有其事。也許因為這樣，更助長了探險家和愛斯基摩人編造北極熊有多聰明的故事——包括說北極熊狩獵時會用冰築牆，然後埋伏在牆後。
2.
愛斯基摩人都住在冰屋裡。正如一般人的刻版印象，愛斯基摩人確實會利用雪製的磚塊來蓋冰屋，只是長久以來他們已經很少住在冰屋裡了。更扯的是，我遇到的耆老們甚至連甚麼是冰屋都沒聽說過。事實上，這些居住在沿海的族人歷來都以撿拾來的漂流木、鯨魚骨、石頭、和草皮來建造他們的居所，只有在長途狩獵或遷徙途中才會住冰屋。 (RD2012, 10月號, 62頁)
● Not a Good Sign
My little sister was learning to drive, and
we were on the open road nearing the small town of Huntly
in New Zealand
“I’m slowing down,” Debbie replied. “That
speed sign said 27km to
Huntly.”
I hate to think what she would have done if
it had said 550km to Wellington
這事不妙
我們家小妹正在學開車；當我們正開往紐西蘭小鎮漢特里的公路上時，她突然緊急減速。老爸問道：「黛比，妳究竟在幹嘛？」
黛比回答說：「減速啊！那個限速牌說：『往漢特里27公里 』。」
我真不敢想像，假如那個牌子寫的是：『往威靈頓550公里 』時她會怎樣。 (RD2012, 10月號, 58頁)
● Double Demise
Wanda and Sylvia are talking in heaven. “Hi,
Sylvia, how did you die?” asks Wanda. “I froze to death,” replies Sylvia.
“How horrible!” says Wanda.
“Oh, it wasn’t so bad,” says Sylvia. “After
I quit shaking from the cold I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?”
“I died of a massive heart attack,” says
Wanda. “I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him
in the act. But he was all by himself watching TV in the den.”
“So what happened?”
“Well, I was so sure there was another
woman that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic, down into the basement, went through every closet and checked under all
the beds. I kept this up until I’d looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.”
“Wow,” says Sylvia. “Too bad you didn’t
look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.” (RD2012, Oct., p.111)
扼腕
汪妲和希爾雅在天堂相遇，攀談起來。汪妲問道：「嗨！希爾雅，妳是怎麼死的？」希爾雅說：「我是凍死的。」
汪妲說：「好恐怖喔！」
希爾雅說：「還好啦。剛開始冷得發抖，後來不抖了，反而覺得溫暖、昏昏沉沉的，最後安詳地死去。那妳呢？」
汪妲說：「我死於猛爆性的心臟病。我一直懷疑我老公有小三，事發當天我提前回家，想來個捉姦在床。結果發現只有他在家，一個人窩在小房間裡看電視。」
「然後呢？」
「呃–我當時很確定有另一個女人在家裡；於是我搜遍了家裡每個角落，從閣樓到地下室，檢查了每一個儲物間，以及每個床的底下。就這樣我不停地找，翻遍了每個地方，最後體力放盡，心臟病發，跌了個四腳朝天，死了。」
希爾雅說：「哇！可惜妳當時沒開冰櫃看看；不然我們兩個也許還活著。」 (RD2012, 10月號, 111頁)
● Dial-a-Diet
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss
Hotline. If you’d like to lose half a kilo right now, press “one” 18,000
times. (RD2012, Oct., p.110)
撥號減肥法
感謝你撥打「減肥熱線」。如果你想馬上減重半公斤，請按號碼1一萬八千下。 (RD2012, 10月號, 110頁).
● Excuses
No-one likes coughing up money, but at
least these tenants gave their landlords good reasons for avoiding it.
>> ”We knew we wouldn’t be able to
pay next month’s rent, so we decide not to pay this month’s rent either.”
>> “My girlfriend found out I was
cheating on her, and now she’s so upset she hasn’t worked and therefore cannot
contribute to the rent.”
>> “I cannot pay the rent on time
because the rent money was used for a paintball gun.” (RD2012, Oct., p.82)
都是藉口
沒有人喜歡掏錢出來，但至少下列房客們都曾向他們的房東編出很妙的理由規避繳交房租。
>>「我們早就知道付不起下個月的房租，所以我們決定這個月的房租也不付。」
>>「我的女朋友發現我劈腿，現在正在鬧彆扭，不去工作，所以拿不出錢付房租。」
>>「我沒辦法按時付房租，因為這筆錢我拿去買了一支漆彈槍。」
● The Cheap Seat
I wanted to buy tickets to a tap-dancing
performance. Being on a budget, I was pleased when the girl behind the counter
told me there were cheap tickets available very close to the stage, with only
slightly restricted viewing.
“What can’t you see exactly?” I asked. Her
reply? “Just their feet.” (RD2012,
Oct., p.59)
便宜座
我要買幾張踢踏舞表演的票，但預算很緊。因此當我聽到賣票小姐說，有一種非常靠近舞台的票，很便宜，而且只有小部分視野被擋到時，我很有興趣。
我問：「請問哪個部分會被擋到？」
她的回答是：「只有腳部而已啦。」 (RD2012, 10月號, 59頁)
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