Reader’s Digest
● Laughter
A ship is sailing the seas when the call
comes from the crow’s nest, “Enemy ship on the horizon!” The captain hollers to
his men, “Prepare for war!” He says to his deckhand,” Bring me my red shirt!”
The deckhand asks why. “So that if I get injured my men won’t see my blood and
will keep on fighting,” replies the hardy captain.
The men stand their ground and finally win
out. They tend the wounded and carry on sailing. Sometime later, another cry
comes from the crow’s nest, “TEN enemy ships on the horizon!” “Prepare for
battle!” the captain hollers to his men, then says to his deckhand, “Bring me
my brown pants!” (RD2012, May, p.65)
笑 譚
一艘船在海上航行時，桅頂瞭望台突然傳來一聲呼叫：「海平線上有敵船！」船長立即吆喝他的船員們：「準備戰鬥！」並且吩咐隨從：「快把我的紅色上衣拿來！」隨從問他要紅色上衣幹什麼；這位豪氣萬千的船長回答說：「萬一我受傷了，弟兄們才不會看到我流血，而繼續戰鬥下去。」果然船員們堅守崗位，贏得勝利。大夥一面照顧傷者，一面繼續航行。不久，桅頂瞭望台又傳來一聲呼叫：「海平線上有十艘敵船！」船長照樣吆喝他的船員們：「準備戰鬥！」並且吩咐隨從：「快把我的褐色褲子拿來！」 (RD2012, 5月號, 65頁)
● Belly Buster
Visceral fat, the kind that is packed deep
within the abdomen, is the most damaging to our health and has been linked with
increased risk of heart disease and diabetes.
Researchers keen to determine the best way
to lose it have found that you’re better off taking up jogging, cycling,
swimming or walking than lifting weights.
Resistance training builds muscle strength,
but doesn’t shift visceral fat. Sedentary people want to know the best way to
spend their limited exercise time, and if they want to lose fat, aerobic
training is best.
There is no easy way to know how much
visceral fat you have, but one good measure is belly size. Men tend to carry
more visceral fat than women, but after menopause, women begin to put it on. (RD2012, May, p.14)
消除腹部肥油
內臟脂肪是深藏在腹部深處的一種油脂，對我們的健康非常不利，已經証實它跟心臟病和糖尿病有關聯。專門找出去除內臟脂肪的最好方法的研究人員已經發現，慢跑、騎車、游泳、或健行，效果都比舉重來得好。
舉重訓練固然會增加肌肉強度，但對消除內臟脂肪毫無幫助。不喜歡運動的人都只想知道如何混過有限的運動時間；如果他們真想減肥，有氧訓練是最佳選擇。
要知道你究竟有多少內臟脂肪並不容易；但最好的一項指標就是你的腰圍。一般而言，男人比女人蓄積較多內臟脂肪；但女人在停經之後，會迎頭趕上。 (RD2012, 5月號, 14頁)
● Drink Up!
When I was about three, Mum went out and
left Dad in charge of me. Apparently I was playing with my favorite toy, a tea
set. While Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news, I
brought him cups of “tea”, which were just water.
After several cups and lots of praise, Mum
came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was “just the cutest thing!”
Sure enough, I came down the hall with a
cup of tea for Daddy. Mum watched him drink it up, then said (with a mother’s
typical wisdom), “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to
get water is the toilet?” (RD2012, May,
p.57)
喝光光
大約在我三歲的時候，有一次媽媽外出，爸爸負責照顧我。顯然當時我正在玩我最喜歡的玩具——泡茶組。而爸爸正坐在客廳裡，專心看他的晚間新聞；我遞給他一杯杯的「茶」(其實只是水)。當我遞了好幾杯並且得到許多讚美之後，媽媽回來了。爸爸叫媽媽留在客廳，以便看我送「茶」給他，因為他覺得我「好可愛」。我真的送一杯「茶」到客廳給爸爸；媽媽看著他一飲而盡之後，才依照慣例點出重點說：「你知不知道，她唯一能取到水的地方只有馬桶？」
(RD2012, 5月號, 57頁)
● Laughter
A patient returns to his doctor after a
month. “Doc, I still feel terrible,” he says.
“Did you follow the instructions on the
medicine bottles I gave you?” asks the doctor.
“Of course,” says the patient. “See? It
says right here: Keep bottle tightly closed.”
(RD2012, May, p.66)
笑 譚
有一個病人看醫生後一個月回診。他說：「醫生，我還是覺得很不舒服。」醫生問道：「你有沒有遵照我給你的藥瓶上的指示做？」病人回答說：「當然有！你看這裡不是寫說：『隨時關緊瓶蓋』嗎？」 (RD2012, 5月號, 66頁)
● Play to Your Strengths
A university rugby coach called out the new
team member, saying: “Look, I’m not supposed to have you on this team because
you failed your math exams. But we really do need you, so I’ll ask you one
simple math question and if you answer it correctly, I’ll sign a slip to say
you’ve passed math, OK?” The player nodded.
“Right,” said the coach, “What’s four plus
four?” The player wrinkled his forehead and thought for a while, then replied, “Eight!”
Immediately all the other team members
shouted, “Aw, come on, coach. Give him another chance!” (RD2012, May, p.67)
吃奶之力
一位大學橄欖球教練叫某一新進球員出列，說道：「你給我聽清楚了，假如你數學考試不及格，別希望我會把你留在隊上。不過我們太需要你了，所以我先問你一個簡單的數學問題；假如你答對了，我會簽個文說你已經通過考試了，OK？」 那個隊員點頭同意。
「那好，」教練說：「4加4等於多少？」那個球員雙眉緊鎖，想了好一陣子，然後回答：「8！」
說時遲那時快，其他所有球員大聲求情道：「喔！拜託，教練！再給他一次機會吧！」 (RD2012, 5月號, 67頁)
● Bubonic Plague
While the 21st century has its fearful contagions,
history’s worst remains the Black Death – also known as the bubonic plague. It
killed some 50 million people in medieval Asia, Africa, and Europe
(where more than a quarter of the population died). It’s not ancient history,
however, although Australia US estimates 1000 – 3000 people are infected
each year, mainly in India ,
southern Africa, South America and the US
鼠疫
二十一世紀固然有許多可怕的傳染病，但歷史上最可怕的厥為黑死病 – 又稱為鼠疫。在中世紀的時候，它在亞洲、非洲、和歐洲共造成大約五千萬人喪生(光是歐洲一地，就有超過四分之一的人口死亡)。不談古代，澳洲在1925年也流行過一次。瘟疫的媒介——被稱為Xenopsylla cheopsis的跳蚤——附在老鼠和其它哺乳動物身上，目前仍在全球流竄。根據美國疾病控制中心的估計，全世界每年約有兩、三千人感染鼠疫，主要分布在印度、非洲南部、南美洲、以及美國(每年約有20個病例)。若沒有就醫，有半數的患者會死亡；但如果及早診治，抗生素可以有效地救回一命。 (RD2012, 5月號, 26頁)
● Laughter
A woman called our customer service department about her TV, which
wouldn’t switch on. “I’m sorry,” I told her, “but we can’t send a technician
out today due to the blizzard.” Unsatisfied, she barked, “I need my TV fixed
today! What else am I supposed to do while there’s a power blackout?” (RD2012, May, p.90)
笑 譚
有一個女人打電話到我們公司的客服部門，說她的電視無法開機。我告訴她說：「很抱歉！因為現在有暴風雪，我們無法派師傅過去。」她很不滿地吼道：「你們一定要馬上給我修好！不然的話，現在正在停電，叫我怎麼打發時間？」 (RD2012, 5月號, 90頁)● Top of the Class
Spelling lessons in the junior classes I teach have provided me with
many a chuckle over years. Once, while learning the “u” sound, I was trying to
elicit a list of words starting with the letter. A young child called out, “Umpire!”
“Very good,” I replied. “Now what does an umpire do?”
“Sucks blood!” (RD2012, May, p.56)
班上資優生
在我任教的初級班的拼音課上，多年來不知已經提供我多少笑料。有一次在教「u」的拼音時，我打算請小朋友說出一系列以「u」為首的單字。有一個小朋友大聲說道：「Umpire! (運動裁判)」。
「很好，」我回應說：「請告訴我，umpire是幹甚麼的？」
「吸血！」 【註】 (RD2012, 5月號, 56頁)
【註】小朋友顯然將umpire 誤為vampire(吸血鬼)了。
● Funny Bones
I’ve been reading Osteopathy magazine for years. I have lots of back issues. (RD2012, May, p.65)
背部怪怪的
多年來我一直都有訂閱《背脊推拿療法》雜誌；目前我有許多它的過期版本。【註】 (RD2012, 5月號, 65頁)
【註】英文back issue意思是「過期版本」，在此亦可作「背部出了問題」；故原文亦可譯成：
多年來我一直都有訂閱《背脊推拿療法》雜誌；目前我的背部出了許多問題。
● New Words
Karmageddon: [Karma(業障) + Armageddon(末日決戰)] Been doing evil deeds and hoping to dodge the consequences? The
day your luck runs out and all your wicked chickens come home to roost is your
own personal Karmageddon.
Flawesome: [Flaw(瑕疵) + awesome(超讚)] Something that is made better by admitting, instead of hiding its
flaws. In corporate terms, it’s a strategy adopted by brands including Domino’s
Pizza, which earned marketing plaudits for a huge billboard in New York
新字新解
惡有惡報: 曾經做過壞事還想要僥倖逃避？當有一天你的好運用盡，所有報應通通一起來的時候，那就是你個人的「業障大車拚」之日。
瑕不掩瑜: 坦然承認、不隱瞞瑕疵，結果會更好。許多有名的品牌公司都採用這種經營策略，而獲得極佳的行銷效果。例如達美樂披薩店就在紐約的時報廣場豎立了一個巨大的看板，即時顯示大量的訊息，都是顧客們在「推特」上發表的對該店的評論–無論是正面的或是負面的都有。 (RD2012, 5月號, 27頁)
● Do We Know Each Other?
The New York Times recalled a rather embarrassing event that
reportedly occurred some 40 years ago to Britain Peru Lima
有眼不識泰山
紐約時報曾經報導過一件非常糗的往事，據說那是40年前發生在當時英國外相喬治．布朗身上的。在秘魯的一個宴會上，喝得醉醺醺的布朗想邀請一個披著紫色長袍的賓客跳舞，但被嚴詞拒絕了；聽說這位賓客的回答是：「第一，你喝醉了。第二，這首曲子不是華爾茲，而是秘魯的國歌。還有第三，我不是女生，我是利馬教區的樞機主教。」
(RD2009, 三月號, 13頁)
● Laughter
“Read all about
it!” yelled the newsboy again. “Fifty-one people swindled!” (RD2009, March, p.56)
笑 譚
「快來看哪！」一個報童在街頭叫賣報紙：「有五十個人被詐騙了！有五十個人被詐騙了！」有一個商人好奇地買了一份來看。他說：「喂！這裡面沒有五十個人被詐騙的消息啊！」
報童繼續叫賣道：「快來看哪！有五十一個人被詐騙了！」 (RD2009, 三月號, 56頁)
● Time to go
I was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure not everyone had been invited but didn’t know how to weed out the gatecrashers. Then her husband had an idea.
He turned to the guests and said, “Will all those from the bride’s side of the family please stand up?” About 20 people stood. Then he asked, “Now those from the groom’s side?” About 25 people rose.
Then he smiled and said, “Will all those who stood please leave. This is a birthday party.” (RD2012, April, p.67)
該走了(幽默短文)
我參加一個派對，發現女主人越來越擔心來的客人太多了，吃的東西恐怕不夠。她很確定許多客人是不請自來的，但想不出辦法打發這些不速之客。她的老公終於想出個點子；他面向賓客們說：「請新娘的親屬站起來好嗎？」大約有20個人站起來。接著他又說：「再來，請新郎的親屬站起來好嗎？」大約又有25個人站了起來。於是他微笑著宣布：「請所有站起來的人離開好嗎？因為這是個生日派對。」 (RD2012, 四月號, 67頁)
● London
In 1992, for example, beach volleyball was introduced. It proved so popular that the best tickets for the women’s final this year were priced at US$700, a price exceeded only by key events at the athletics stadium. While it’s not one of the world’s top sports, the competitors are tall, sexy girls jumping around in bikinis. It tells us that Olympic sports can be introduced on what one might politely call aesthetic grounds. Beach volleyball is the Baywatch of the Olympics.
The Olympic motto is “Citius, Altius, Fortius”, Latin for “faster, higher, stronger”. It describes a striving to be the absolute best. And that is what the ideas that follow – some radical, eccentric or plain crazy – are striving for, too. (RD2012, April, p.90)
2012年倫敦奧運(下)
例如在1992年，奧運會將海灘排球納入比賽項目，結果大受歡迎。當時女子組的決賽門票竟然高達美金700元，僅次於主場館之重要活動(如開幕式和閉幕式)的票價。雖然它不是世界上最頂級的運動項目，卻可以看到一群身材高挑、身穿比基尼泳裝的辣妹運動員在場內跳來跳去。這件事告訴我們，運動項目可以基於——講得好聽一點——「美學」的理由納入奧運。海灘排球可說是電視影集「海灘遊俠」的奧運版本。
奧運會的宗旨是「Citius, Altius, Fortius」，這句拉丁文翻成中文就是「更快、更高、更強」；它期勉大家不斷追求卓越。但，它也期勉大家追求一些偏頗的、古怪的、或一般瘋狂的點子嗎？ (RD2012, 四月號, 90頁)
● Fake lake
My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. “Excuse me,” said the woman, pointing to a pond. “What is that water made out of?”
Bemused, my friend replied, “Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.”
“See?” she said to her boyfriend. “I told you it wasn’t real.” (RD2012, April, p.97)
假的湖水(幽默短文)
我的朋友在某遊樂園工作時，有一對男女攔住他。那個女的手指著池塘問道：「不好意思，那裏面的水是用甚麼做的？」我的朋友搞笑說：「兩份的氫加一份的氧。」
於是她對男的說：「看吧！我早就告訴你那水是假的。」 (RD2012, 四月號, 97頁)
● Laughter
A friend at work was nearing retirement and was becoming more and more annoyed at having to use computer technology. “Can you help me?” she asked somewhat crossly, as she peered at the screen. “This cursor won’t move at all. It’s totally stuck. What is the matter with it?”
I immediately saw the problem. “It would be better if you put your hand on the mouse rather than your glasses case.” (RD2012, April, p.97)
笑 譚
我有個朋友屆臨退休，但對工作上必須使用電腦越來越覺得惱火。有一次，她一邊盯著電腦螢幕，一邊沒好氣地問我：「你能幫我一下嗎？這游標一動也不動，就停在那裏；是怎麼一回事啊？」
我一看就發現問題所在：「如果妳把手放在滑鼠上，而不是放在妳的眼鏡盒上，情況就會改善啦！」 (RD2012, 四月號, 97頁)
● London
The five core disciplines of athletics, swimming, gymnastics, fencing and cycling have featured at every Olympiad since 1896. Others have come and gone. Croquet and water motorsports have each made a single appearance. Both softball and baseball appeared in the 1990s, only to be dropped after 2008. Golf appeared in 1904 and 1908 and will return in 2016.
Among the practical reasons for change is the growing dominance of the Olympics as a television event. Income from broadcasters and sponsors is vital – and the demands of commercial channels for frequent advertising breaks require shorter, sharper, faster forms of sport.
And then there are the demands of a global TV audience who may not know the players or understand the rules of many sports. Above all, they want to be entertained. (RD2012, April, p.90)
2012年倫敦奧運(中)
自從1896年奧運會開始舉辦至今，四個核心項目——游泳、體操、擊劍、和自由車——每屆都有出現；其他項目則時有時無。槌球跟水上摩托車都只出現過一次。壘球和棒球1990年代出現，但2008年之後將被取消。曾經在1904及1908年出現過的高爾夫球，將於2016年恢復。
運動項目之所以變來變去，原因是奧運會逐漸淪為電視轉播活動的附庸；電視業者及廣告主的角色變得很重要。為了配合商業頻道經常插播廣告的需要，奧運會傾向於選擇比賽時間越短、動作越快速越刺激的運動項目。
另外，全球廣大電視觀眾的需求也很重要，他們也許不認識運動員，也不一定瞭解比賽規則，但是他們需要娛樂。 (RD2012, 四月號, 90頁)
● Laughter
I was reading an article about gathering down from geese that was so interesting, I had to share it with my husband. “Do you know how to get down from a goose?” I asked. His reply: “Jump?” (RD2012, April, p.114)
[註]「收取絨毛」的英文(get down)恰巧也是『下來』的意思。
● London
On 27 July, 2012, the eyes of the world will be focused on Britain’s capital for the opening ceremony of the London Olympic Games, when an estimated 10,500 competitors from more than 200 countries will prepare to battle for the 302 gold medals on offer across 26 Olympic sports.
The star-power of Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt has inspired more than a million ticket applications for the men’s 100m final alone, while the number of TV viewers for the two-week sport-fest is expected to hit five billion.
The Olympics can reasonably claim to be the biggest and most popular show on earth. Yet I believe it could be made even better by dropping several sports from the line-up and radically changing the rules of others. (RD2012, April, p.90)
2012年倫敦奧運(上)
就在2012年7月27日 這一天，全世界的眼光將會焦聚在英國的首都；當天是倫敦奧運的開幕典禮，到時估計有來自200多個國家的10,500選手要力拚26個奧運項目的302塊金牌。
牙買加的短跑健將伯特魅力無法擋，光是男子100米 決賽那一場，慕名而來的預購門票已經超過一百萬張；同時，在這兩個禮拜的體育盛會中，電視觀眾預計將達50億人。
奧運會可說是目前世界上最大、最受歡迎的一場秀。不過我認為，如果能取消其中的某些運動項目，並且徹底改變其它項目的比賽規則，可能將會更有看頭。 (RD2012, 四月號, 90頁)
● Laughter
One afternoon, Matt’s dad picks him up from school. Knowing that the parts for the school play were chosen that day, he asked his son if he got a role.
Matt announces: “Yes, I play a man who’s been married for 20 years.”
“That’s great, son,” says his dad. “Next time they might give you a speaking part.” (RD2012, April, p.65)
笑 譚
一天下午，麥特的爸爸去學校載他回家。爸爸知道當天學校在甄選排演戲劇的角色，於是就問麥特說有沒有被選上。
麥特很得意地說：「有啊！我演一個結婚20年的男人。」
他爸爸說：「很好！孩子；我想下一次他們會派給你一個有臺詞的角色。」 (RD2012, 四月號, 65頁)
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